I had the pleasure of interviewing a man
who has been called one of the nation's leading sex experts. Michael
Castleman has written several books, and many articles for magazines
such as Reader's Digest, Self, Playboy, Family Circle, Parenting,
Health, Child, Mademoiselle, Glamour, American Health, Psychology
Today, Men's Health, and so many more. He is a wonderful, kind man and
highly respected in the health community.
SG: You have been called one of the nation's leading sex
experts, written 10 books, and published over 1000 articles in the last
30 years. What sparked your interest to get started on this path?
MC: It was an accident. In 1973, I was volunteering
at a free clinic in Ann Arbor, MI, that did a great deal of birth
control counseling, pregnancy testing, and STD treatment. I began
writing about those subjects for the local alternative weekly. As
Valentine's Day approached, David Fenton, then the editor and publisher
of the Ann Arbor Sun, asked me to write a cover story called How to
Make Love. I refused. I was 23. What did I know? But he would not take
no for an answer. He knew my girlfriend (now wife), Anne. She leaned on
me to write the article. Masters and Johnson's
two books (Human Sexual Behavior and Human Sexual Inadequacy) had just
come out in paperback. I read them and became fascinated. I read
several other sex books. I wrote the article. I've been writing about
sexuality ever since.
SG: One of the most asked questions I have been getting
recently is on the topic of introducing a toy into a relationship. I
have spoken to many women who want to start using toys in the bedroom,
but are afraid to introduce it because they have never used one as a
couple before. What advice would you give to these women?
MC: I think the best way is to begin by
incorporating a lubricant into lovemaking. Lubes are not as threatening
to men as vibrators, and they immediately enhance sex. Most men are
happy to add lubes to lovemaking. After the man has embraced lubes,
then I'd suggest some massage items: lotion, a glove, etc. The woman
can say she feels sexier and more turned on when she's massaged all
over, not just on her breasts and between her legs. She can also say
that whole-body massage also turns on many men. Once the man accepts
some massage, then she can introduce a small, bullet vibrator, which
can be used all over, and of course on her vulva. Then finally, larger
toys.
SG: How do you help calm a man's concern with the toy being bigger than his penis and thus trying to "replace him?"
MC: If the man is very insecure about his penis size, I would suggest that the woman pick up a copy of my book, Great Sex: A Man's Guide to the Secrets of Total-Body Sensuality.
It contains a section on size, how to make the most of what a man's
got--safely, naturally, and at low cost. As for the replacement issue, I
like to tell men: The best carpenters use power tools. Power tools
don't diminish the carpenter or his skills. They just get the job done
faster. The same is true for vibrators. All a vibrator does is vibrate.
It can't kiss a woman, hold her, hug her, caress her, make her laugh,
listen to her problems, or anything else that a lover does. It doesn't
replace men any more than a man masturbating replaces women.
SG: What is the best way to try and "teach" a husband who isn't skilled with toys how to use them in bed?
MC: The woman should make a sex date with the man,
and say: Tonight, we are going to have amazing sex. But before we do, I
have a little surprise for you, and I want you to give it 15 minutes.
After that, I'm all yours. During the 15 minutes, she pulls out one or
two toys and they play. Then she puts them aside for their sex. After,
she should thank him for playing with the toys, and tell him that for
her, sex is much more fun with toys. Subsequently, she can extend the
toy play time. If the man makes any move toward accepting toys, she
should tell him how much that turns her on. Most men want turned on
women and are happy to go with moves that turn them on, including toys.
SG: I have heard complaints from a few women who say that
they cannot orgasm vaginally during sex, and only can with the use of a
toy. What would you tell them?
MC: That they are totally normal. Many studies show
that only 25 percent of women are consistently orgasmic during
intercourse, and only about half of women ever come that way. [See The Case of the Female Orgasm, by Elizabeth Lloyd, Harvard U Press]
The fact is, intercourse just doesn't provide enough direct clitoral
stimulation for most women to have orgasms. How many men would come if
they only had their scrotums caressed. Not many because the most
sexually sensitive part of a man's genitals is the head of the penis.
For women, it's the clitoris, and the majority of women need direct
stimulation with a finger, hand, tongue, or vibrator. My book, Great
Sex, has a lot on this.
SG: Can you use a toy too much, and will it decrease your
sensitivity or desire for just sex and possibly cause harm to a
marriage?
MC: It's possible for a woman to become so
enthralled with sex toys that her marriage suffers, just as it's
possible for men to become fixated on Internet porn to the detriment of
the relationship. But these problems don't occur all that often. Most
people have a decent sense of proportion and are committed to their
marriages. Toys are enhancements, not replacements for a lover.
As to the sensitivity issue, if a woman presses a powerful vibrator
into her clitoris for a long time (hours), she might experience some
temporary genital numbness. But during typical masturbation or
lovemaking, toys, even powerful vibrators, don't decrease sensitivity.
In fact, vibrators often INCREASE women's sexual responsiveness. Sexual
responsiveness has a great deal to do with self-knowledge and deep
relaxation. Vibrators teach women about their sexuality and help them
feel more comfortable with it, more relaxed. As they become more
comfortable with the full range of their own sexuality, they become
more relaxed--and more responsive, whether or not they use a vibrator in
partner sex.
SG: What is your opinion on couple's toys such as vibrating penis rings?
MC: If the couple has fun with them, then they're
an enhancement. If the couple doesn't have fun with them, then such
toys are not for them. I'd say: If you think you might enjoy them, try
them. They decide if you want to keep using them.
SG: What is the one piece of advice you would give to couples struggling in their sexual lives?
MC: I would give my sympathy. Sex is the cause of a
lot of couple grief. However, most sex problems can be fixed, or at
least minimized to the point where they are not longer festering sores.
I'd urge couples to start with my book, Great Sex. If that doesn't
provide sufficient relief, then I'd urge them to consult a sex
therapist, professionals who specialize in couple sexual issues. You
don't have sex with a sex therapist. And the therapist doesn't watch
you have sex. Sex therapy is talk psychotherapy with a sexual focus and
some "homework." Studies show that 4-6 months of weekly therapy
resolves about two-thirds of couple sex problems. To find a sex
therapist near you, visit the American Association of Sex Educators,
Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT) at www.aasect.org. Click the map of the U.S. and Canada, and get a list of all the AASECT-certified sex therapists in your state or province.
SG: What is your opinion on Passion Parties and companies like it?
MC: I love Passion Parties. Passion Parties is all
about strengthening couple's marriages by enhancing their intimate time
together. Who could object to that? It's the Lord's work and I'm all
for it. That's why I'm a professional consultant for the company.
I would like to thank Mr. Castleman for taking the time to do this
interview with me. I look forward to speaking with him more in the
future. For more information on how to contact him or to order one of
his books, please e-mail me at Shiloh@intimatepassions.net.
